Catching the Joy

So as many of you know i am a very open person. Here is a deep confession. Four kids has kind of pushed my limits as a person. I am an organized, over achiever. With four kids I just have yet to find the time to do a lot of necessary things because I am so busy trying to keep up with my expectations for myself. With the past 3 I have adjusted after two months to the whole new way of life. But with the events before Landon's birth and the sickness since his birth I just haven't gotten to that place where I am satisfied with my efforts and also satisfied with the product of my efforts. I insist on being happy, even in times of trial JOY and PEACE are still something that I can have. What caught me off guard was the feelings I had. I have never not loved being a mother. I have always loved it and been more than willing to give everything for my family. But when my efforts still weren't good enough in my eyes I began to have feelings of resentment towards my kids & husband. I mean who does that?! Well the lady that doesn't have time to eat, pee, or sleep I think. I started really reflecting on what I needed and why I was so unhappy. Why didn't I like my life? I realized i needed to lower my expectation for myself. There is no such thing as a perfect mother or a perfect wife and trying to be those things was only causing me sadness. I took a step back and realized it is OK for me to take a few minutes to go to the bathroom, eat lunch, and yes even sit down and just hold my baby. It is not a waste of time to take care of myself or let others know that I am willing to give them my undivided attention. The moments will soon pass when my kids are small and want to sit on my lap. The time will pass when they want to talk my ear off. If I don't give my man the time of day, he will soon stop asking for it and we will drift apart. I realized I can't be perfect right now and needed to be happy with what I did have and happy with what efforts I was giving. Because I do have the deep desire to be perfect one day. So I decided, with some help from Don, to catch the joy again.
I start by taking a mayor time out. I went to Utah for a few weeks and did absolutely nothing more than what I wanted to do. I help Landon, slept in a little, ate whenever I wanted, and visited with family. It was a good time and I am really grateful I have such a wonderful family.
Since I have been back I have been trying hard to do the things that matter most. Keeping my Savior close, trying to spend more time with Don, and expressing love to my kids and showing them as well. Love in family after all is often spelled T-I-M-E. But at the same time realizing when I need some time to myself to take it. I can't feel others cups if mine is empty.
If you come over and my house is a mess, know I will get to it and know I love my kids enough to let it go sometimes. We can only take three things with us when we leave this earth, our knowledge, our desires/feelings, and our RELATIONSHIPS. Life is meant to be a joyful thing, so toss the guilt and catch the joy!