Marriage Advice

June 19, 2013

 I know this might be odd, but I have been thinking about what advice I would give my children when they get married. So here is what I have come up with so far.

Never forget God is part of your marriage.  It is like a triangle with him at the top and you and your spouse in the bottom two corners.  Communication must exist in all directions. The closer you are to God the more empowered you will be in your relationships. Successful couples are united in truth and gospel living while at the same time patient with imperfections.  Each marriage is so different.  Only Heavenly Father has the love and understanding you will need. Only He can help you see these things clearly and inspire you to do things you might never think of yourselves to improve the quality of your marriage. To make sure he is a part of your marriage:

Attend the temple regularly together.

Study the gospel together.

Pray together.

Your spouse is your number one.  The relationship you have with them is the single most important relationship that you will EVER have. The relationship you have can last beyond the veil and into eternity.  Let this motivate you to work on the relationship. Don’t let your priorities get out of whack. Regular self evaluation is often needed to make sure they aren’t.

Be each others best friends.

Go on a date once a week.

Be your spouse’s best cheerleader.

Support them in their dreams, callings, and trials. Be there for better or for worse!

Learn to show love the way that your spouse feels loved. I recommend reading The 5 Love Languages.  It gives great insight into the way people feel loved and how to express that love to them.

Communicate. But remember not all things need to be said. Your words can hurt them, so be careful. When you are angry figure out why and make sure it isn’t for a selfish reason. Never speak out of anger. You should be loving while communicating. Contention is of the devil. Use statements that begin with “I feel” not “You.” Feelings should be expressed and how your spouse feels isn’t wrong. Sometimes they need to talk it through to figure out how to move past negative feelings.

The most effective way to communicate is found in Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, which is “seek first to understand, and then be understood.”  People are so much more willing to listen when they know that they have been heard.

Realize that differences are differences.  Differences don’t mean that one is right and the other is wrong. You just see things differently. Accept that there might be more than one answer. I know you will think your way is better, and it might be, but is it really eternally important? If it is don’t give up your beliefs, but you can’t force your spouse to see it your way. Ask yourself, “Do I want to be married or do I want to be right?” Respect your spouse’s opinion.

Uncle Tyson has shared with me something that his stake president counseled him and Karlee when they got married and it was, “If you argue, ALWAYS be the first one to apologize.”

Never withhold love. Sometimes you will feel like they don’t deserve it, but they always do.  Everyone deserves to be loved. 

No one is perfect. Learn to forgive AND forget. Loving your spouse and loving what they do are separate matters.  Learn to help each other heal.

YOU can not change your spouse. Remember only Christ is perfect. Most people see their flaws, they don’t need a reminder. You should stick to working on your own dirty window. With that said you can be a source of encouragement to your spouse on their journey to change for the better. Often we marry our opposites.  Your spouse will have strengths and weaknesses that you do not. Through open and loving communications you can work together to change to be better people.

One day you will come off cloud nine and you need to realize the following things. Love is an action word. Love and charity are the same. Love is a choice. Falling out of love is a choice.  Love your spouse like God loves them. Nothing is wrong with your marriage when you no longer are infatuated with each other. This is an important stage of marriage but through time it will turn into something more deep and meaningful.  There is great joy to be had in marriage and it grows as time passes. 

Marriage is hard, but anything worth having is hard.  Marriage is also one of the most wonderful gifts God has given us. “Marriage is a gift from God; a happy marriage is our gift to him.” Never give up on your happily ever after.

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