This pregnancy I have physically felt wonderful. But I think I might
be among the 10% of women that get depression while pregnant. Granted
it is most likely situational. It has taken all of my emotional
strength to be able to live in a house that isn't mine and have no idea
what is next in life for us. I think the true breaking point came a few
months ago when Don didn't fill out the paperwork correctly for the
manager job at his station. He really might have gotten it if he would
have done it correctly. Since then it has been a daily fight to just get
up and function.
I find strength in the usual places. Reading my
scriptures, prayer, talking with Don about it. But he can only take so
much and the sadness just lingers.
I know the Lord has a plan
for us, I just really struggle with what it is. The house in Texas
hasn't sold still and Don has had to work extra hours to be able to take
care of two houses. I don't think the house is going to sell. So here
we are stuck, trying to figure out how to make the next move in life.
Trying to plan for a baby is nearly impossible without knowing what is
next in life. I want to get things ready for her to come, but why? We
are just going to move in the few weeks after she is born. The cleaning of this house is
constant and never done. Spring
is coming and that means tons of yard work, for a 9 month pregnant
lady. Don is never here, so he really can't help much.
We have
accepted help with $$ and I just hate that. I realize we make
scarifies because of the kids we have and the job that Don chose. But
he works so hard and so do I to do our best to be righteous. We follow the guidance of the spirit. Isn't that
what it is about? Many have said why doesn't he get a better job. Honestly
with the economy i don't think school or switching jobs is smart. Switching jobs just isn't it, I know it. I feel at times I have no support from anyone
but Don and that is VERY hard.
All this means I am just not doing
good. Every morning I lay in bed fighting with myself to get up. I finally do
but all day long I hold down tears and they often explode in the form
of frustration. I have faith that I won't have more than I can handle,
but I reached my breaking point a long time ago and it doesn't seem that
relief is near in sight. So what do I do? I am doing what I can with what I have and hope that the Lord will fill in where my
imperfections come bleeding through.
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