Sunday, February 9, 2014

31+ Weeks Pregnant

This pregnancy I have physically felt wonderful.  But I think I might be among the 10% of women that get depression while pregnant.  Granted it is most likely situational.  It has taken all of my emotional strength to be able to live in a house that isn't mine and have no idea what is next in life for us.  I think the true breaking point came a few months ago when Don didn't fill out the paperwork correctly for the manager job at his station.  He really might have gotten it if he would have done it correctly. Since then it has been a daily fight to just get up and function.
I find strength in the usual places.  Reading my scriptures, prayer, talking with Don about it.  But he can only take so much and the sadness just lingers.
I know the Lord has a plan for us, I just really struggle with what it is.  The house in Texas hasn't sold still and Don has had to work extra hours to be able to take care of two houses.  I don't think the house is going to sell. So here we are stuck, trying to figure out how to make the next move in life. Trying to plan for a baby is nearly impossible without knowing what is next in life.  I want to get things ready for her to come, but why? We are just going to move in the few weeks after she is born.  The cleaning of this house is constant and never done.  Spring is coming and that means tons of yard work, for a 9 month pregnant lady.  Don is never here, so he really can't help much. 
We have accepted help with $$ and I just hate that. I realize we make scarifies because of the kids we have and the job that Don chose.  But he works so hard and so do I to do our best to be righteous. We follow the guidance of the spirit.  Isn't that what it is about?  Many have said why doesn't he get a better job.  Honestly with the economy i don't think school or switching jobs is smart.  Switching jobs just isn't it, I know it. I feel at times I have no support from anyone but Don and that is VERY hard.
All this means I am just not doing good.  Every morning I lay in bed fighting with myself to get up.  I finally do but all day long I hold down tears and they often explode in the form of frustration.  I have faith that I won't have more than I can handle, but I reached my breaking point a long time ago and it doesn't seem that relief is near in sight.  So what do I do? I am doing what I can with what I have and hope that the Lord will fill in where my imperfections come bleeding through.

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